One of the most amazing things I participated in creating...

Four years ago today, I gave birth to our 5th child, a sweet little boy we named Nolan James. That was such a joyous day! Isn't he amazing? I love that little boy with all my heart, as I do will all of my children.

The below pic is what our family looked like when the children met their new baby brother. 2 year old Ethan had better things to do but you can see his head in the corner of the picture.



I feel great happiness and crushing sadness when I look at that photo. The first thing that strikes me is that Lily, our 6th child isn't in the picture. Of course not, she wasn't born until 17 months later. I know that. But here's the part that hurts...we have Lily here now and she can be in all our current family photos but Nolan never will. He's gone. A part of my family, my heart, is missing and it will never be whole again. There will always be something not quite right.

I try not to think about the sadness on his birthday. I really try to think about what an amazing gift we received 4 years ago. Our time with him was way too short but that doesn't mean it wasn't worth the time that we did have. It is worth the blinding pain that continues. And his birthday IS worth celebrating even if it means that we celebrate from Greenlawn cemetery instead of our home or Chuck E Cheese.

Happy Birthday, Sweet Bebe Nolan! We adore you. We remember you today...and everyday.

We will put his cross (one that dh made with his name and birth/death dates) in our yard and tie a couple balloons to it. And when the kids get home from school, we will head to the cemetery for a balloon release.

Thank you to all my friends who remembered what today is and those who sent us messages and called. It's nice to know that other people think of Nolan, too.